


Hurting You

by chooken



Series: Keeping You [11]
Category: Westlife
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Banter, Bedtime Stories, Betrayal, Boys Kissing, Cheating, Cute Kids, Decisions, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hand Jobs, Kissing, Lies, Love, M/M, Married Couple, Multi, Partner Betrayal, Polyamory, Same-Sex Marriage, Secrets, Snogging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 08:57:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3686148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chooken/pseuds/chooken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark and Nicky are back from their honeymoon, and catching up with Kian may not be everything they hoped for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hurting You

Coming back from the bathroom was always a bit of a trek in Shane's Sligo house. Mark always got turned around. It was living inside a maze, or the house from Cluedo, always wondering if he was going to stumble through a secret passage in the conservatory and end up in the ballroom. Not that Shane had a ballroom, but he had about thirty bathrooms.

He found his way back the living room eventually, and discovered it empty. Which made it feel more like he'd gotten stuck in Cluedo. He was half tempted to look for a lead pipe or a candlestick when he heard noises coming from the kitchen.

“Hey.” Kian looked over his shoulder from where he was stood near the sink, a line of mugs in front of him. “Good trip?”

“I didn't think I'd make it back alive.” Mark deadpanned, going over to hug him from behind, watching Kian drop teabags into all the mugs. “Where'd everyone go?”

“Erm...” Kian paused, pushing back slightly into the lips on his neck. “Shane and Gill went to get Patrick settled, and Nicky went to read Nicole a bedtime story.” He smiled, turning slightly in Mark's arms. “She was getting a bit cranky that no-one was paying attention to her.”

“Ooh, ignored big sister already?” Mark snorted, reaching over to grab the electric kettle that had just switched itself off.

“Nicky'll take care of her.” Kian laughed. “I think he was a bit rapt to be asked, actually. Looked like he wanted to read every book she had.”

“Sounds like him.” He handed Kian the kettle, then began to kiss his neck again, enjoying the familiarity. “We missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Kian replied, his free hand grabbing Mark's. He put the kettle down and turned, wrapping his arms around Mark's neck. Mark leant in for a kiss, but Kian pulled back a little. “We need to have a chat."

“Do we?” Mark asked. He'd suspected they might. Kian had been really quiet since they'd gotten home that morning. They'd dumped all their bags at home, had a quick, jet-lagged sleep, and been back on the road by the early afternoon. Nicky's plan of having his mouth fucked had been left to the wayside when he'd fallen asleep in the back of the car on the way home, then in the back of the car on the way up to Sligo, all tucked up against Mark's side while Kian drove in front. They'd barely touched, except for a few hugs, and Kian seemed to be pulling back a little bit. “Now?”

There was a long, piercing wail from upstairs and they both flinched. It died down a moment later. Kian laughed. “I think Shane and Gill'll be a while.” He reached up, running his fingers through Mark's hair. He pushed into it, having missed Kian's touch badly. “I'm so in love with you.”

“Love you too.” Mark tugged him into a hug, kissed his hair. “What's wrong? I'm worried now.”

“I...” Kian pulled back a little, his eyes downcast. “I need to tell you something. It's...” His cheeks were going pink. He bit his lip. “Look, when I was in Fiji, there was this girl...”

“You slept with someone else, didn't you?” Mark asked. He could already see where this was going. Kian nodded slightly, stepping back a bit. Mark reeled him in again. He'd suspected. Of course he had.

“I'm really sorry.”

“Why?” Mark asked, cupping the back of his head, pulling him close. “Was it just because you missed us?”

“Sort of.” Kian sighed, rubbing his face into Mark's chest. Mark didn't know how he felt. Heartbroken, certainly, but he was trying to push that aside, listen to Kian before he flew off the handle. He knew why Kian had told him alone. If Nicky heard about it... “This is going to sound awful.”

Mark sighed, pushing him away. Kian looked thoroughly down. He pulled a chair over, sat down. Tugged Kian into his lap. Partly for the connection, partly to remind himself that they still loved each other. He had too many questions, too many feelings running through his head. He wasn't sure if he was angry or not. There was a lump in his throat, but it wasn't sadness as such. A little bit of betrayal, maybe, but even that...

“Just tell me the truth.” He ran a hand up Kian's back, felt arms loop around his shoulders. “What happened?”

“I didn't...” Kian bit his lip. Let it go. “I was going to leave you.” Mark felt his breath catch on the heart that had lurched into his throat. “I'm sorry. While you were away I was going to...”

“What?”

“It wasn't... You two were on honeymoon, you know? And I thought, like, well you don't need me any more and maybe it's time to...” He swallowed. “I just wanted to see, maybe.” He shrugged. “So I slept with this Australian girl at the hotel. She had no idea who I was, she just hit on me in the bar and I figured... I'd see. If that was something I could do.”

“And...?”

“I still don't know.” Kian looked at him. “I really don't. But like... I know you want me to stay. I know that. I know you love me. But I feel like...” He reached up, running his fingers through Mark's hair. Mark tried not to flinch away, to listen, but suddenly he wanted to push Kian off his lap and storm from the room. “...you don't need me. Not any more. We spent some time apart, and it wasn't as hard as it should have been, you know? I missed you. You missed me. And that was fine. It was nice to miss you, but I didn't feel...” He let his hand drop, rested it on Mark's shoulder. “I love you. I do. But maybe it's not enough any more.”

“What, so you're breaking up with us?” Mark asked. He shook his head, trying to clear it. It was too much to take in at once. Kian was still looking at him expectantly, and he didn't know what was expected.

“No. I don't know.” Kian exhaled slowly. “Did you miss me like that? Honestly? Did Nicky?”

“We missed you.”

“Like you'd miss each other?” Kian raised an eyebrow. Mark bit his lip, trying to think it through, trying not to admit that...

“No.” He shook his head finally. “We talked about you all the time, you know? Like, we were so excited when we'd get an email from you or something, but...” He looked into eyes that were already starting to brim with tears. “No. Not like that.”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded. “That's what I figured.” He stood back up, pushing off Mark's lap. “It's not that this doesn't work. It does. I love you both. Living with you is absolutely my favourite thing in the world. The sex is...” He laughed damply, shaking his head. “Well, you know.”

“Amazing?”

“Totally amazing.” Kian agreed. “But it's not the same as being somebody's... you know. One thing.” He looked up. “I feel a bit like your dirty secret, you know? I know that's not how it is, but if I stay... what's the rest of my life supposed to be like? I never officially have a relationship for the rest of my life? No-one to take home to meet my parents, no-one to just...” He paused, kicking lightly at the tiles. “It's not the same. You know it's not the same. I feel like I'm just being... kept around, sometimes.”

“Kian...”

Kian shrugged. “You lads are married. And like, even if it wasn't a thing that was totally weird, this whole situation... Like, if it was something we could legally do, if it was something we could go public with... would you ever want to marry me? Both of you?”

Mark hesitated. Marry Kian? He loved him, sure, but marriage was something else. It was something devoted and perfect and singular. It was standing next to Nicky and telling him he was his whole life. It was spending their entire lives together, growing old, knowing without exception that he was Nicky's something. Everything. Kian was...

“That's what I thought.” Kian said quietly. He tilted his head to look at Mark. “I'm not angry. I'm not. I'm not stropping out on you or anything. I just have to...” He shrugged. “Maybe I could date again for a bit, maybe. See how that goes.”

Mark nodded. “Are you leaving?”

“I don't know. I'd like to stay for a bit, I think. Maybe things'll work out and I won't want to go after all. Maybe it will be enough. And I still love both of you. I want to be friends. But if you want me to pack up and go, I...” He shrugged. “I wouldn't be surprised.”

“I...” Mark bit his lip. He'd been all prepared to be angry, but now he just felt a bit ashamed of himself. “Are you going to tell Nicky?”

“Yeah. I'm not going to lie to him.” Kian nodded. “Thought I'd tell you first, though. Might need the help.”

“Might need a helmet.” Mark laughed slightly, not able to help it. Kian gave him a tiny smile. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No, I should do it myself.” Kian turned back around to finish off making the tea. Mark could hear steps in the upstairs hall. “Thanks for not...” He sighed. “You know. I half expected a punch.”

“I half expected to punch you.” Mark admitted. Kian chuckled. “Um... this is going to be an awkward thing to ask, but... you used a condom, right?”

“I did.” Kian nodded. “And I got tested. I wouldn't do that to you.”

“Okay.” Mark sagged slightly, relieved. “We need to talk about this more. When things calm down.”  
  
“I know.” Kian handed him a mug. Mark took it, feeling his hands warm around it. Took a sip. Perfect. Smiled at Kian over the lip of it, not sure if he wanted to burst into tears or not. Kian smiled back his eyes reflecting Mark's own discomfort. Tired looking, and a bit insecure. “I didn't shag any other lads. If that means anything. I thought about it, you know, as a comparison thing, but...” He shrugged, looking away. “It didn't feel right. She didn't feel right either, really. It was okay, but it wasn't what I wanted.”

“Comparison thing?”

“See if I was gay. Or... I don't know. See if maybe...” He shook his head. “I don't know. I couldn't do it. I had the chance to, about a week ago, but it didn't...” He hitched a shoulder, looking up at Mark. “I didn't feel anything for it.”

“Oh.” Mark nodded. There were feet coming down the stairs now. Nicky wandered into the room, gave them a grin. “Hey, Nix.”

“Hey. Nicole's out like a light.” His eyes were dancing with pride. He studied the two of them, his mouth curving down into a frown. “Why's everybody look so fucking depressed?”

 

*

 

It was hard, not telling Nicky. They went back out, drank tea, watched a movie for a bit with Shane and Gillian, then went upstairs to bed. Nicky and Mark were in together, and Kian was in on his own down the hall. Mark was sort of glad. Nicky was pouting a bit, annoyed at not having his toy back now that they were finally all together, but Mark didn't know how he felt about having to snuggle up to Kian, know that there was a secret between the three of them that he couldn't share yet.

They kissed for a bit, cuddled up under the blankets. Nothing with intent, just a bit of a snuggle and a snog. Nicky was sleepy, kept closing his eyes and nodding off while they were kissing, so in the end Mark just left it, holding him close and feeling tired hands stroke his back.

When he woke up, Nicky's hand was on his dick.

“Good morning.” Was murmured into his neck, teeth nipping and making Mark shudder. He rolled into it, closing his eyes again and letting himself absorb the feeling of a thumb tracing up the ridge then circling the head. “Missed you.”

“I was right here. Oh...” He bit his lip, arching slightly into the touch. “That's nice.”

“Yeah, but you were asleep.” Nicky nibbled his ear. “I couldn't talk to you or anything.”

“So you decided to give me a handjob instead?”

“For starters.” Nicky chuckled. “Then I thought we could sneak down the hall and give Kian one as well.” He pulled back a little and their lips connected. Mark groaned, his hand sneaking down to grab at Nicky as well, heard a soft, pleased moan. “That's really nice.”

“I'll race you.” Mark suggested, opening his eyes. Nicky raised an eyebrow, already looking pleased at the idea of a competition.

“First one to come?”

“First one to make the other one come.”

“Ooh, challenge. But no contact except handjobs. Let's not make it too easy.” He laughed. “What does the winner get?”

“Winner gets to come in the loser's mouth.”

“I like those terms.” Nicky nodded. “I'd shake your hand, but...” He wriggled slightly, tugging his left arm out from where it was trapped under Mark's waist. “There we go.” He held it out, other hand still moving on Mark's length. “Deal.”

Mark shook it, getting a giggly smile in return. Then he cupped Nicky's balls, rolling them slowly between his fingers. Nicky's eyes drifted closed, his lips parting.

“Oh... that's good.” He looked back at Mark. “You're cheating.”

“I'm not. You said handjobs. I'm doing the job with my hand.”

“Okay, no fingering, though.”

“So basically, you don't want this to feel too good?” Mark teased, running the back of his hand up the shaft before taking a firm hold, beginning to stroke firmly and slowly, tugging a little when he reached the head. Nicky had turned his hand around so the thumb was at the bottom, giving him a squeezing, short stroke that Mark had always loved. “That feels really good.”

“I know. I'm going to win.” Mark squeezed extra hard at that, and heard Nicky gasp. “Fuck.” He bent in, his lips just far enough away from Nicky's ear to not be accused of kissing him.

“I'm going to win, you know.” He breathed, felt a shudder.

“You are not.” Nicky panted, his spare hand closing on Mark's wrist, trying to slow the stroke. Mark slapped it away.

“Stop cheating.” His head dropped back suddenly when Nicky changed the angle, eyes rolling immediately back in his head. “Oh fuck.” He groaned. “Nix...”

“Fair and square.” Nicky murmured. “Love feeling you. Not as good as having you fuck me though.” He breathed against Mark's ear. “Love it when you fuck me.”

“Love fucking you.” Mark growled back. “Want to hold you down and take you until you come all over yourself. Then I want to wipe it up and use it to fuck you again.”

“Jesus, ah...” Nicky closed his eyes. “Fuck. You want it baby? You want to fuck my arse? I'd be so fucking tight for you.” Mark felt himself shudder, tightening as he neared the edge. Nicky had gotten a head start, but he was doing his best, trying to hold back. “You gonna make me squeal for you?”

“You filthy fucking slut.” Mark breathed. “I want to lose. I want to lose so you can come in my mouth. Want to swallow you down. Lick you all up. Taste you while you take my mouth. Be so fucking hot.” He growled on purpose, heard Nicky whimper. “Then I'm gonna jerk myself while you watch. Gonna get ready again so I can fuck you into the bed. Pull your legs over my shoulders and take you until you're so raw you can't walk. You're such a beautiful fucking whore. For me.”

“Mine.” Nicky moaned. “Oh, Marky...” His stomach was fluttering, Mark could feel it on the upstroke. “Come for me baby. Come all over me. Rub it into my skin like you're marking me.”

“Yes...” Mark hissed. He changed the stroke a little, heard Nicky cry out. “You're so close, baby. Love making you feel like that.” He lifted his free hand up, sucked two fingers into his mouth. Saw Nicky watch, his eyes dark and hooded, chest hitching with the restraint it took to hold on. Pulled them out, trailed them around his own nipple. Knew it was dangerous, touching himself, but was willing to take that risk. “Getting this ready.” He promised. “When I suck you, I'm gonna shove these in your arse. Finger you while you fill up my mouth.” He popped them back in his mouth, letting his eyes fall closed in pleasure. It wasn't a charade. He was so close. Just needed to hold on, just long enough.

“Fuuuuck...” Nicky bit his lip, arching. Mark pulled them from his mouth again, started trailing down his neck, his chest, circling a nipple for a moment, then down his stomach. Watched Nicky watch him, as he moved it even lower, almost touching the hand that was still stroking hard, becoming clumsy as Nicky got closer. He focused, tightening his grip a little more, rolling his fingers. Nicky groaned, his eyes squeezing shut.

“Make me come, Nix.” He whispered. “Do it. Make me feel it.”

“Oh. Oh fuck. Fuck. No. Fuck...” Nicky let out a frustrated groan, and then Mark's hand was wet and slick and Nicky was arching hard, his free hand coming up to grab Mark's hair, anchoring himself, their lips meeting now that there was no point holding back, a tongue pushing fast into his mouth, fucking it. He slumped back a moment later, mouth falling helplessly away. “Fuck.” He moaned, looking down at himself. “You cheated.”

“How?”

“I'll think of something.” Nicky crossed his arms, looking away. Mark giggled, leaning in.

“Fair payment, Nix. You lost.”

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes, pushing himself up. His chest was still moving fast, and there was sweat on his brow.

“Don't look too excited.” Mark poked him on the way past. “I might think you actually want to.”

“I always want to.” Nicky rolled his eyes, and then he was bending down, and Mark was thrusting up, and oh, that was wet and soft and warm and he was already on the edge and...

Oh.

When his eyes opened again, Nicky was licking his lips and looking very pleased with himself. Mark grinned back, reaching out a hand. The weight of his husband was draped across him a moment later, their lips meeting in a slow, contented kiss.

“Mmm... love you.” Nicky murmured. “You're so filthy.”

“Learned from the best.” Mark stretched slightly, considered getting up, and then couldn't be bothered. Nicky snuggled into his chest, already starting to yawn. “We should probably wipe up the mess before Shane has to do laundry, though.”

“He probably has a person for that.” Nicky shrugged. “Still, can you imagine his face?” Mark laughed in reply. The image was pretty great. Poor Shane. “I do love you, though. I'm so happy, I feel like nothing could ruin it.” Mark nodded, keeping his mouth shut for the meantime. This felt weird, keeping a secret from Nicky. Something this big, something this life-changing. He was about to say something, maybe start planting the seed so Nicky wouldn't take it so hard when he found out, but then there was a knock on the door.

“You decent?”

“Not at all, Ki!” Nicky called out. Mark laughed, nuzzling into his shoulder. “You coming in?”

“Er... no.” There was a pause. “There's a little girl out here that wants to know when her godfather's going to read her another story.”

“Aww...” Mark kissed his shoulder. “You've got a fan.”

“I have lots of fans.” Nicky smirked, glancing over at Mark. He turned back towards the door. “Give me five minutes!” Kian called back that they had two, and wandered off, the sound of small, running feet trailing him. “This is what happens when you put in a good performance. Everybody wants an encore.”

“You could quit your day job. Just read bedtime stories to little kids. Probably more lucrative.”

“I could be the next Wiggles. Except there's only one of me, and I'm gay.” Nicky agreed. “I could be the Faggle.”

Mark laughed, biting Nicky's shoulder to muffle it. “New kids show. Faggle Rock.”

“You don't want to see what's hiding in the hole under my lighthouse.” Nicky smirked.

“I hope it's not a bunch of Muppets. You should probably get a doctor's advice for that.” Mark snorted. “What were we actually talking about? I feel like we've gotten off track here.”

“We usually do.” Nicky smiled fondly. “Dickhead.”

“You started it.” Mark poked him gently. There was the sound of a soft, gurgling cry from up the hall, and then it turned into a full-blown wail. Nicky shook his head, already beginning to slide out of bed.

“Sounds like everyone's up.” He shrugged. “Shower?”

 

*

 

“On Saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake...” Nicky was pointing at the pictures. Nicole was leant against him, her finger following his. “...one ice-cream cone.. one pickle... one slice of swiss cheese... one slice of salami... one lollipop... one piece of cherry pie... one sausage... one cupcake... and one slice of watermelon.” He looked down at her. She looked back up, her face filled with awe. “That night, he had a stomache-ache.”

“I would too.” Kian whispered. Mark laughed, pulling him a little closer. They were slumped on one end of the couch, Kian snuggled up against him, while Nicky worked through his fifth consecutive reading of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, sat on the floor of the living room surrounded by toys. Shane was making breakfast, and Gillian was upstairs feeding Patrick. He was a little cutie, all squidgy arms and legs and bright eyes. He'd slept through the night, which was a blessing. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Mark nodded. “Are you?”

“I'm okay.” Kian whispered back, glancing at Nicky. But he was absorbed giving Nicole the rundown of the Very Hungry Caterpillar eating a leaf. “Is this weird, what we're doing? I feel like a bit of a liar.”

“I'm okay with it.” Mark shrugged. “I mean, I'm sort of pissed off. But I still missed you, so...” He stroked Kian's back, felt the tension there.

“Is it okay that I stay, even if I'm...”

Mark sighed. The caterpillar was building a cocoon, so they didn't have much time. “I don't know yet. It'll depend on Nicky. Do...” He glanced at the two on the floor and lowered his voice more. “Are you still going to want to shag us?”

“I always want to shag you.” Kian smirked. He looked up, his eyes worried. “I don't want to if you don't want to.”

“So you want an open relationship, sort of?”

“I don't know yet.” Kian paused. Nicky was closing the book, was getting a hug for the sheer joy of obliging a little girl with the adventures of a caterpillar with serious food issues.

“Again?” She mumbled around the thumb in her mouth.

“Erm... Uncle Nicky needs a break from the caterpillar.” He ruffled her hair. “You want to go pick another one?” She nodded and dashed away, charging off upstairs to her bedroom. He turned around, smiling at both of them. “What are you two whispering about?”

“Just didn't want to interrupt the rollercoaster ride of the Hungry Caterpillar.” Mark said, getting a grateful look from Kian. “It was better the fifth time.”

“I'm stepping up my game.” Nicky agreed, picking up a toy telephone with farm animals on the buttons. “Who wants to hear what the cow says?”

“Is it moo?” Kian hedged.

“You've played this game before.” Nicky nodded. He leaned back against a beanbag covered in blue and purple butterflies. “I could get into this lark. It's the blind devotion that does it, you know? Like, when she's older and she hates her parents for ruining her life, I'll still be cool Uncle Nicky.”

“And that's the most important thing.” Mark rolled his eyes. “You'll probably teach her how to pick up boys. Shane'll hate you.”

“I'll teach her how to pick up the _right_ boys.” Nicky pointed out. “No backwards caps or Limp Bizkit fans.”

“How _old_ are you?” Kian laughed. “You'll be telling her not to show her ankles in a minute.”

“No sex until she's thirty.” Mark added. “Although that'll probably make Shane happy.”

“What'll make Shane happy?” He was just coming into the room, a huge plate of pancakes in his hands. He put it down on the coffee table, looking at them bemusedly.

“Nicole's not having sex until she's thirty.”

“Forty.” Shane corrected. “And she better be married.”

“Nicky's going to show her how to pick up boys.”

“Don't you _dare_.” Shane raised an eyebrow.

“Are you saying I don't know how to pick boys?” He gestured at Mark and Kian, who attempted to look thoroughly undebauched. “I have excellent taste.”

“I've seen Kian throw up down his shirt. I've seen Mark throw up on Kian.”

“That was a good night, though.” Kian shrugged. “I shagged a girl in the toilets.”

“You're really not making it better.” Shane glared at all three of them. He glanced up. Nicole was just tromping back down the stairs with a big square book tucked under her arm, her hand gripping a bannister she could barely reach. “Slower on the stairs, honey.” He called out. She nodded, looking determinedly at her feet. “Anyway, I need to go get plates and forks. If you could not dress my daughter up like a Britney Spears video in the meantime, that'd be fantastic.”

Kian wandered off to help. When he came back, Nicky and Mark were snuggled up on the couch with Nicole between them, telling her the story of the place Where the Wild Things apparently Are. Gillian came down with Patrick and they all sat down together, eating pancakes, talking about their holidays. Mark covered Nicole's ears when Nicky launched into a story about their rather extended stop in Vegas.

He glanced over at Kian, who smiled back, concern tugging at his mouth.

 

*

 

It was nice to be home. Mark collapsed onto the couch almost straight away, wriggling until the stuffing got its old shape back. Nicky grinned at him, plonking down on the other end. The car ride back had been interminably long, and Mark had passed most of it listening to Nicky tell stories about their trip. Kian had laughed along, shaking his head and flicking through photos on Nicky's phone while the older boy drove. Mark had taken a bunch with his new camera, but he hadn't loaded them onto his computer or phone yet.

“Beer?” Kian was already wandering into the kitchen. Nicky nodded, reaching his toes out to poke Mark in the belly.

“I haven't had Kian in weeks. Want to jump him when he gets back?”

“Not right now.” Mark smiled, trying to seem casual. Nicky looked confused though. Mark shrugged, stretching out a bit more. It was okay holding onto the secret for this long, but he wasn't sure he really felt comfortable sleeping with Kian. He knew it had just been the one time, knew there were other things at play here, but it felt a bit dirty. Like he wasn't sure if he should be forgiving Kian just yet, not to that extent.

And worse would be lying to Nicky, having him sleep with Kian unawares, and then finding out later. That was the worse betrayal, and Mark didn't think he could do it.

He didn't know if he was angry. He wasn't sure. He thought he should be. Kian had essentially cheated on them, waited until they were out of the country and then slept around. But it wasn't like that. He knew it wasn't like that. It didn't make it okay though.

He thought he wanted Kian to stay. Didn't know how he felt about him seeing other people while he lived here. But then there was that question, wasn't there, of if it was justified. They'd shagged without him for years, why shouldn't he shag without them?

But it wasn't the same.

“What you thinking?” Nicky asked. Mark looked up, realising he'd been silent for a while. “You okay?”

“I'm... yeah.” Mark nodded. “This weekend was nice, wasn't it? Visiting Shane? All hanging out together?”

“It was. Yeah.” Nicky looked at him, his eyes searching. “Is something wrong?”

“No. I don't know.” Mark sighed. Kian came back into the room, three beers clutched between two hands. He accepted one. “Thanks Ki.” Nicky was still staring at him. “I think...” He looked between the two of them, not wanting to do this. Nicky wouldn't take it well at all. “I think we need to have a conversation.”

 

*

 

Nicky did not take it well at all.

He drained his beer with an almost feral determination, his eyes locked onto Kian, cheeks flushing red while his eyebrows knitted into a frown.

While Kian said he was sorry, and that he loved them, and that he'd had a really good time, but maybe it wasn't enough any more. Maybe it was time to grow up and start to live his own life.

While Kian told him he had slept with someone else.

While Kian said he'd be happy to move out, if that was what they wanted.

While Kian said he maybe wanted to see other people.

When he was done, he rested his chin in his hands, looking completely lost and guilty. Nicky stood up and threw his beer bottle at the fireplace.

The glass exploded, shattering across the carpet.

Then Nicky stormed out of the room.

 

*

 

“Nix...”

“Fuck off.” Nicky's back was not at all welcoming. He was sat on the edge of the bed, staring at his clenched fists. Mark stepped a little bit closer, climbing onto the bed behind them. “How long did you know?”

“Not even twenty-four hours.” Mark promised. “He didn't want to say anything at Shane's.”

“But he told you.”

“Nix...” Mark sighed, sliding down behind him, his thighs on either side of Nicky's, arms coming round his waist. He felt Nicky tense and didn't grab any tighter, knowing this wasn't the right time to push. “I'm not happy either, okay? But he's his own person.” He kissed Nicky's neck lightly, felt the shape in his arms stiffen. “You love him. He's your friend. You have to try to see this from his point of view.”

“What, the point of view where he thought it was okay to slut around on us?” Nicky growled. Mark shook his head.

“No. It wasn't right, and I'm angry too. I'm jealous and upset and a bit betrayed, but...” He ran his hand up Nicky's cheek. “It's not like with us. You know it's not. If you cheated on me you'd be chucked out the closest window, I promise. And if I cheated on you, I'm sure they'd never find the body.” He saw a small smile. “He wasn't going to be ours forever. You knew that, I think.”

“I still hate him.”

“No you don't, or you wouldn't be so upset.” Mark soothed. Nicky shook his head. “Look...” He'd thought about this long and hard on the trip back, how best to broach this topic with Nicky, gather up the inevitable pieces. “I love you madly. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Did you want to do that with him?”

“Maybe.” Nicky sighed. He turned slightly, his eyes wary. “What if I did?”

“Did you?”

“...no.” Nicky admitted. “I just didn't want him to go.”

“And he isn't going. Not yet. Not unless you want him to.” Mark hugged him. “Don't you want him to be happy?”

“I want him to be happy _here_.” Nicky whispered. “He's not happy. Not with us. How long has he been lying about being happy with us?”

“He hasn't been lying. He just wants different things. Things change. People change.”

“So you'll leave me one day too?” Nicky mumbled. Mark laughed, kissing his cheek.

“Of course not, eejit. Is that what you're worried about?” He turned him a little, found Nicky's lips. Felt him fight it for a moment before giving in, his mouth parting to accept a loving kiss. “It's not a house of cards. It's not going to all fall down if Kian goes.” He kissed Nicky again, got a slightly mollified sigh in return. “I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you.”

“Promise?”

“Most definitely. And Kian will always love you too, just like we love him. But he deserves a chance to find out what he wants.” He stroked soft blonde hair back from Nicky's face. “Maybe he'll find someone perfect, and then we can all double-date.” A small smile flickered over Nicky's face at that. “And maybe he won't, and he'll stay forever.” That got a slightly larger smile. “But you need to think about what you want to do.”

“What do you want?”

“I don't know.” Mark admitted. “I don't want him seeing other people, but...” He ruffled Nicky's hair. “Maybe we can learn to live with it. Maybe it's something we can work around. And if it isn't...” He shrugged. “Then maybe we can look at it again.” He kissed Nicky's cheek. “What do you want?”

“I don't know. I need to think.” Nicky sighed. “I'm just going to...” He shook his head, leaning back into Mark's arms. “I might take a bath for a bit. By myself. Just...” He frowned. “I need to think.”

“Of course.” Mark agreed. “How about I take Kian out and we'll do some groceries. We've got bloody nothing in the house. Give you some time alone.” Nicky nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Nicky exhaled slowly, his fingers coming up to touch Mark's cheek. “I'm still really angry at you for keeping it from me.”

“I know. I'm sorry.” Mark replied. “But I know you'll forgive me, because that's what we do, right? And we'll forgive Kian as well, because we know he never meant to hurt us.” Nicky nodded. “I will never, ever stop loving you. You're my favourite thing.”

“You're mine.” Nicky pushed out of the embrace, standing up. “But I have to be by myself for a bit.”

 

*

 

“So he was okay?"

“Not really.” Mark shrugged, turning the cart down the next aisle. “Did you expect him to be?”

“Not really. No.” Kian sighed, bending down to grab a few packets of rice off the bottom shelf. “Will he be okay?”

“I think so.” Mark nodded. He did, really. Nicky was all fire and bluster, but he'd calm down after a few day of pouting. “I don't know where he's going to stand on this whole thing, though. I'm sorry.”

“Where do you stand?”

“I honestly don't know yet.” Mark bit his lip, stopping in front of the instant noodles. “Beef or chicken?”

“Er... oriental?”

“What flavour is that, even?”

“You know. Oriental flavours.”

“Make sense.” Mark picked up a five-pack and tossed it into the cart. “Look, I'm going to be honest... if it hadn't been for knowing how Nicky would react, I probably would have reacted a lot worse. I'm pissed off, you know?”

“I'm sorry.”

“You really should be. Not because of the way you feel, but...” He shook his head. “We'd never cheat on you.”

“Except for with each other.”

“It's not the same, and you know it.” Mark turned to look at him, regarding the downcast man in front of him. “I understand. I do. But I reserve the right to not be okay with it.”

“I know. I understand. I'm pissed off at me too.” Kian grabbed a few packets of stir-fry sauces. “I know it doesn't make it better, but you were off for weeks, you know? Like, honestly ages. I was sat home by myself and all I could think was... well, I better get a start on not being needed any more. I... think I'd already decided to leave you before you went away.”

“It doesn't make it better, no.” Mark agreed. “But you didn't leave. You're still here. Why?”

“Because I don't know how to...” He lowered his voice, moving a little closer. “I missed the hell out of you two. I did. It ripped me apart. I know it doesn't make any sense, because you don't feel the same way, but I felt...” He sighed. “Is it odd that I kind of want to keep you two while I figure this out? You know, not let go of the branch I'm on before I grab another one?”

“We're not your safety net.” Mark pointed out. “We're here for you, but you can't just stick a bookmark in this and come back if things don't work out.”

“So if I walk out, it's forever?”

“Maybe.” Mark nodded. “Hell, we might get home and Nicky'll want you out straight away, so I couldn't say anything either way, but...” He paused at the end of the aisle. “Toilet paper's on sale.”

“On it.” Kian grabbed a huge packet of rolls, dumping it in the trolley. “What if he wants me out?”

“Then you'll have to go.” Mark shrugged. Kian's shoulders slumped. Mark put his hand on one, rubbing comfortingly. “It's not because I'm doing what he says, okay? But you did the wrong thing, and he deserves the right to be angry. To not be able to make peace with it.”

“He does. I know.” Kian looked up, his eyes brimming with tears. “I don't want to lose this, you know? The little things. It's not even the shagging. It's the sitting watching TV, and the grocery shopping, and the going to lunch and that. But...” They turned a corner, and he reached up to grab some tomato sauce. “I feel like that's something you and Nicky want to do together. I don't know why you still want me. I feel like I'm getting in the way.”

“You're not. You weren't.” Mark leant on the handle of the trolley, looking at him. Kian looked back. “You were never in the way.”

“And now?”

“I don't know.” Mark bit his lip. “If this thing keeps going... If Westlife keeps going... That's ages to spend together, you know? We were always together. It wasn't about the sex. It was about getting to see you every day. It was never a hard thing to do.” He frowned. “Could we keep doing that every day, if you leave? Can you do that? Watch us be adorable together and know you're not allowed?”

“Adorable?” Kian pulled a face. Mark chuckled.

“We are, and you know it.” He winked. Kian rolled his eyes. “I don't know, Ki. Maybe we should put a pin in it for a bit. See how we feel in a couple of weeks.”

“Do you want me to go stay somewhere else?”

“Not really.” Mark shrugged. “Do you?”

“Not really.” Kian sighed. “When did life get so fucking complicated?”

“Around the time Nicky jumped you on the couch.” Mark laughed. Kian smirked back. “It's been a mad couple of years, you know?”

“I've enjoyed every minute of it.”

“Me too.” They exchanged guilty, knowing grins. “I know you don't think you're needed, but loving you was never hard. You were never unwanted.”

“I know. But maybe it isn't enough any more.” Kian shrugged. “Like, would you want to stay if it was me and Nicky getting married?”

“I honestly don't know.” Mark admitted. “But this is you. This is what you need. I want you to do what's right for you, for you to be happy. But you need to be honest. If you're going to shag someone, I don't want to find out about it afterwards, or that's it. And we're using protection again. I know we went off it pretty quickly at the beginning there, but...”

Kian nodded. “I understand.”

“Okay.” Mark exhaled, regarding the smaller boy, searching for something. “I love you.”

“Ditto.” Kian paused, then glanced at Mark, raising a meaningful eyebrow. Mark turned. Ah. Fans. They were all huddled together, giggling excitedly, their hands already groping in their bags for pens and paper, starting to head over. They smiled and shook hands, took a few photos, scribbled their names on receipts and bus tickets. One of the girls had the audacity to go for a kiss on the cheek, then stood back, blushing red. Two of them asked where Nicky was, how he was, congratulated he and Mark. Their eyes were darting at Kian though, as though they were wondering why he was even here, when Mark had a perfectly good husband at home. One of them was a Shane fan. She seemed a bit weird, but then most of Shane's fans were.

They extricated themselves after a few minutes, waved them goodbye. Headed down the freezer aisle to get a few more bits. They usually had it delivered so they didn't have to go through the gauntlet of people who might recognise them, but they'd put it on hold while they were away and honestly had nothing left but the three beers they'd drunk that afternoon and a lonely shrivelled mushroom in the crisper.

They headed for the cash register. Kian paid. Mark let him, because it seemed to comfort him a little bit, feeling like he was chipping in or something. It didn't really matter. When they got back in the car, he leaned over to touch Kian's shoulder. The older boy looked up from the passenger seat, his eyes troubled.

“Ki... whatever happens...”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded. “I know.”

 

*

 

Nicky was on the couch when they got back in, staring at the television, but he stood up to help them put the groceries away. He was more or less silent through the whole process, opening his mouth only to ask for someone to pass the cereal when he was stocking the pantry. When they were done they went back into the living room and sat down in front of the TV again, Kian in the armchair, the two of them on the couch.

Mark tried to hug him, but he didn't seem in the mood, kept sneaking evaluating looks at Kian. It was almost two hours later, and getting dark, when he finally spoke.

“Ki?”

“Yeah?”

“Come here and give us a hug, yeah?”

Kian nodded, getting up and heading hesitantly over. He sat down between the two of them, letting himself be pulled into Nicky's arms. The older boy closed his eyes, leaning his head on Kian's shoulder. Mark looked on approvingly, saw Kian's arms tighten, saw Nicky start to stroke his back.

“I love you.” Nicky said quietly. “I really do. And I'm sorry if we made you feel unwanted.”

“It's okay.” Kian murmured. “I'm sorry too.”

“I know.” Nicky's eyes opened and he looked at Mark for a moment. Mark held his breath. All he could see there was sorrow and regret, seeping into the troubled rings under his eyes. “I will honestly never stop loving you.”

“Love you too.”

Nicky nodded. Took a deep breath.

“But I need you to pack up your stuff and get out.” He said finally. Mark saw Kian stiffen, then start to shake. A tear rolled down Nicky's nose and he tucked his face into Kian's neck. “I'm sorry.”

“Please, I'm...”

“No.” Nicky shook his head, pressing a kiss to Kian's neck. “I'm sorry, but... no. It's not enough. I can't...” He sighed. “I can't look at you and not see your face in some whore's stupid, meaningless cunt. I can't do it. You cheated. You lied. And you made Mark lie too. You made Mark lie to me.”

“Nicky...” Mark started. Nicky looked up, his eyes a wall. Mark stopped, biting his lip.

“Maybe later I can forgive you, but I can't have you sleeping down the hall, let alone sleeping in our bed. It isn't okay, and it's not fair for you to do that to us.”

“I'm sorry, I...”

“I'm sorry too.” Nicky's voice was still level, but it was starting to break. He pulled back, pecked Kian on the forehead, framed his face. “This is the last thing I ever wanted, okay? I never want you to think I didn't love you. But that's why I need you to go. I love you too much to...” He closed his eyes, leant his forehead against Kian's. Mark couldn't see his boyfriend's face, but he could hear soft sobs. “I love you.” Nicky swallowed. “I'll help you pack. But then I need you out.”

“Nix...” Mark attempted again. Nicky shook his head.

“Marky, I think we're gonna need a hug, okay?” He looked up, his eyes dripping tears. Mark bit his lip, feeling his own start. Then he was in, wrapping his arms around both of them, feeling them shake in his arms. Kian started crying, great hitching sobs that rose and fell between them like a heartbeat. They held him for a long time, tears soaking together.

When Mark finally let go, it was dark.

“I'm gonna go pack.” Kian mumbled, running his hands over his face. “I need to...”

“I'll book you a hotel.” Mark promised, wiping his eyes. “Just for a week, okay? And we'll see where we're at.” He looked at Nicky. “Okay?” Only got a helpless shrug in return. “Okay.” He breathed, staring at his phone. “Nicky...” He looked up, got a regretful nod back. “Look, for what it's worth...” He sighed, reaching up to grab his hand. Kian was slumping towards the stairs. After a minute he disappeared. “I know it was a hard decision. I'm not angry at you.”

“Good. Because I'm angry at you.” Nicky said softly. “You lied to me.”

“I didn't...”

“You did. You kept it from me. I trusted you, and you hurt the hell out of me. Maybe I could have gotten over it, you know? Let him stay? But now it's not that he's a reminder of cheating, he's a reminder of the fact that you _lied_ to me.” He swallowed hard. “I love you too, but you know what, Mark? Fuck you. Seriously. I can't...” He shook his head. “Sleep in Kian's room tonight. I can't look at either of you right now.”

“Nicky, it wasn't...”

“I know it wasn't. That's the awful thing. I know exactly what you were thinking. I know you meant well. I know you never meant to hurt me. I know you were trying to do the right thing, but...” He sat back down, pulled Mark into a hug. “I want to hit you so badly. So I need you to stay in the other room.”

“Okay.” Mark pulled back. “Are we going to be okay?”

“I guess so. Fuck, we've only been home from the bloody honeymoon for three days.” He laughed brokenly. “How many days we been married now?”

“Forty nine.” Mark mumbled.

“Fantastic.” Nicky grimaced. “And we're already sleeping in separate beds.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I'm going to bed.” He stood back up. “I'm going to lay there staring at the ceiling because I miss you so badly I want to die, but knowing that if I let you in I might actually kill you. That's an awful fucking thing to think, and I feel like you did that to me. Do you understand that? At all?”

Mark nodded. He didn't know what else to do. A gentle hand ran through his hair.

“Goodnight, Marky.”

About half an hour later, Kian came downstairs with a bag over his arm. Mark hugged him, kissed his cheek, and told him to call if he needed anything.

Then he left too.

Mark sat in the dark, staring into the empty fireplace.


End file.
